Over you

I had been so confident in the choice I had made.

I was tired of being treated as if I was last months trash to you.

I cared about everything that had happened to you.

We fought because I cared, and I knew you had more potential than you were letting on to. 

So I had finally had enough.

I gave up on the thought that you and I could ever be together again. 

I didn't want to be hurt anymore. 

I did what was best for myself.

What was healthiest for me.

Now, I see you with other people. 

I'm not jealous. 

I'm angry, how could I have had wasted so much time on someone like you. 

Seeing you two together makes me sick. Goodbye to the old you. 

Goodbye to the old us.

Choices

  In life, we have many choices that we have to make. Whether they are about something so small, such as what you're going to eat next, or as large and important as what you're going to choose as a career path. Either choice you have to make, effects you, just in different severities. 

   When you are forced to make decisions, those are the hardest choices to make. What if you don't make the right decision, what if you don't make everyone happy with the decision you make? What if you second guess yourself? What are you supposed to do then? Turn back and hope all those you disappointed forgive you? Or just keep going and know that the destiny you out into place is where you're supposed to be. Friends are supposed to be there for you no matter what. Some are, and some aren't. 

   Making the wrong decision scares me, I like to get everything right the first time. If I don't get it right the first time then I get angry. All the decisions I have made up until now in my life I have been proud of. I hope that the decisions that I've made will continue to be the right ones and I don't have to worry about what I've done. And what I choose. 

Skills

What is SkillsUSA? 

Is it a sport? 

Is it a game? 

Is it a hobby like 4h? 

Do you compete? 

Do you win things? 

Do you win money? 

Why do you do it? 

Do you do it for the satisfaction of competing? 

The satisfaction of knowing your hard work paid off? 

The thrill of that gold medal being handed to you? 

The look of excitement on your advisors face, knowing you're going to Kansas City? 

Why do you compete? 

Why do you come back every year? 

I come back to show I can do what I do, and do it well enough to win gold two years in a row. I breathe SkillsUSA from my lungs. It's made me who I am today. Without skills I wouldn't have been to travel. I wouldn't be able to compete and I wouldn't know the thrill of achieving my goal. SkillsUSA is a part of me. 

Angry

You acted like I would always be here,

Waiting for you to figure out what you wanted out of life, 

I'm angry with you. 

You played me like one of your video games, 

Except this time it was real, 

This time it wasn't a game. 

My adoration for you was endless and you knew that. 

You took advantage of my love. 

Did you even love me back? 

Too many years of games that I never stopped playing. 

Why did I let you control so much? 

Why did I allow myself to make you my world? 

You were so innocent and sweet before. 

I miss the old you, the you that I knew I'd never fall out of love with. 

The you that cared what I had to say. 

The you that annoyed me with how much you cared. 

I want to be annoyed now.

Instead I'm just disappointed now.

I'm broken.

I'm hurt.

You threw me out like one of your old toys and never looked back.

Who are you to judge all I have to give? 

Who are you to tell me how much I'm worth? 

You're no one to me now.

You're dead to me.

I hate what you've made me do. 

I hate how you made me feel. 

I hate how you left me. 

Finally, I hate you. 

I wish you no happiness.

Just the same you've done for me. 

Goodbye to those memories.

I hate you. 

Life

    So much has been going on in my life right now. It's been a juggling act to see what I'm able to handle and then what else we can throw on top of my loaded plate hoping that it doesn't come tumbling down with everything else. 

  For me to be happy though, I need a busy plate. I have OCD, so when I'm idle, my mind finds ways to stress me out. My OCD isn't having to touch things four times in a certain place, or washing my hands five times to make sure they're clean. My OCD is my mind being on a continuous go round on thoughts. Whether it's good thoughts and thoughts about what this day entails, or bad thoughts about things that I wish I never had to think about again. It's something that I've had to teach myself to overcome and figure out ways to move past whatever's bothering me. 

   In saying so, this year as most of you know, I got a job at the beginning of the year to try and keep myself and my mind busy enough to not have idling thoughts. It has definitely worked, but has left me time for nothing else. Unfortunately, causing me to make a difficult decision on whether or not I want to continue working. I love where I work, the people there are amazing and I feel as though I've made friends there that I wouldn't have been able to years ago. Friends that I can lean on whenever I need them. And I will forever be grateful. I will miss them all when I don't work there anymore, but I need to finish focusing on school. I graduate in 3 months and I need to prepare for that. My life right now, is hectic as some may say, but that's the way I like it and that's the way that I need it to be. Some people don't understand that. Some people don't understand why I'm involved in so much, and that's okay because I enjoy what I do. 

Life Goes On

   This school year has been by far, the most telling year of my life so far. It's taught me that no matter what goes on in my life, that I will be able to move on and move forward no matter what gets thrown my way. It's taught me to be able to see who in my life I can  always count on and who I need to slowly let go. 
  I've always been one to hold on to people in my life longer than I should have. I try to give people the most chances to prove to me that things can change. And that always seems to bite me in the end. I'm too forgiving and I change for everyone but myself.  
   So today while I'm watching tv and thinking about my last months of high school, I realized something. I realized that life passes by so quickly and that I have taken for granted the time that I've had. I'm so excited for my life after high school. I looks forward to seeing all that's to come of my life. But in order for me to be able to do this, I have to let my friends go. I have to let the ones go that don't treat me well. I have to be able to let go of the friendships that no longer benefit me, and that sucks. 
  It's hard. But life goes on. 

Broken Down

Everything was going right

It was all okay, and finally good

I spoke too soon. 

My world has ceased to spin at the moment.

It all came crashing down at once.

I expected more from you, much more then you could actually promise.

Instead of being with you, here I am. 

Alone.

Hurt. 

Angry. 

Hating one person. 

You. 

You made me fall in love with you over and over again. 

We were never meant to be.

I'm sorry I wasted time on you. 

I want my life back to how it was before you. 

I don't want to look back. 

I can't keep having the same things go in my heads merry-go-round anymore. 

Get me off.

Never put me back on. 

I'm done. 

Passing Me By

S e n i o r  Y e a r. 

   For most of us our senior years are quickly passing us by. We struggle to begin the difficult choice of where we choose to embark on in our next journey. Whether that may be college, a career, or taking a break. Whatever it is, it's coming up quick and we have to decide what the hell we are doing with our lives. 

   Just thinking about all that I have to accomplish in the next few months is stressing me out to the max... There's so much I need to do and finish. And yet I sit around and watch as the hours turn in to days and think where all my time went?  

  Life is a roller coaster that I want to be able to ride on, and one day, when I get off I can truthfully say, I did all I wanted to and didn't waste a minute of it. I want to capture it all and do everything I want to. 

   I just hope that these last few months of high school, that I am able to finish everything I need to, so I can move on to the next book of my series called Vanessa's Life. Written by me and only me. 

   O n l y  T i m e  W i l l  T e l l. 

Emily Dickinson

    If anyone ever asked me, who my least favorite poet of all time was, I'd have to reply with Emily Dickinson. Now, to some that may sound harsh, but give me a moment to explain. 

   I have always been one of those kids who, growing up, was able to grasp things that I was learning fairly quickly and be able to continue on with wha I needed to because I knew what I was doing. Except for when it comes to

Emily Dickinson.  

  Her poems are very complex and not something that is easy to depict the meaning of. They take time to understand and they never mean just one thing. There are always 1001 hidden meanings and 10x as much explanations as to why it could mean what it does. 

  I don't do well with not understanding things. She's a crazy person and I don't like her poems. The meanings and the hidden meanings are sad and down right morbid. I feel like a moron when I read her poems and would rather not have to waste anymore of my time trying to understand what she is talking about.

Who am I?

Am I the girl next door that everyone loves? Or am I that bitch that everyone loves to hate? I question who I truly am everyday. I wonder who I will become in my life. I wonder where I will go and what I will do in life. 

Truth is, right now I just want to live. I want to love unconditionally. I want to be wild and rebellious and live how I want to. I'm a teenager and that's what we do best. In the last few weeks I have gotten in trouble quite a bit. And boy can I say it's been great! I have never gotten in trouble like that before and I can say I don't regret a thing that I've done or that's happened. I just regret that my parents found out and I got punished. As I've gotten older I have begun to regret less and less of the decisions that I've made. I've always been the "good girl" that everyone stereotypes me to be. I get good grades, I'm smart, I'm involved in many extracurricular activities and I have a job on top of all of this. But I need to enjoy my life and live for me. And that's what I'm doing, excelling in all that I do and still having fun while I do so! I'm the person I've always wanted to be. And whether it not those around me accept it or not, is not my problem.

American Hustle

    Over our Christmas break/winter break or whatever you want to call it, I didn't go out very much. Especially to the movies. I went to the movies once over break. My family has a new tradition that every Christmas Eve we have our Christmas dinner. Then Christmas morning we open presents and eat breakfast and then have all day to do what we want. Then we go to a movie Christmas night. 
    This year, my family and I chose to go see the movie American Hustle. I wasn't very thrilled with that movie choice because it didn't look appealing to me. It wasn't really something that seemed enticing to me. 
    As the movie began, I thought I should give it a chance. That maybe the movie was going to be better then I thought. I was wrong. Over halfway through the movie my butt started to fall asleep. I didn't get the purpose or the plot of the movie. It didn't make sense to me. Watching the scenes in the movie was strange to me. The scenes made me not uncomfortable, that's not the right word, but uneasy. Maybe.... I don't know if that's the right word either.... It's probably not. 
    Anyways. The movie was about these hustlers that hustle a cop and in the end come out on too looking like the good guys. Watching this movie with my parents was interesting, because there was a lot of sexual scenes. That's awkward to sit through with anyone's parents... I definitely would not recommend this movie to anyone not matter how many golden globes the movie wins.